Selfishness

Selfishness: We are all selfish to one extent or another, and I thin we should be, but not all of the time. Why is it we are being taught to do for ourselves.? Whatever happened for doing for others? Isn't it ok to do something for someone just because you want to? Our society has become a society of 'me-ism'. We want what we want now and screw how it affects others. That sucks. Yes, we should think about ourselves, but, we should also consider how our choices affect others. No, we can't please everybody all of the time. But, when we only think of ourselves and not care about others, then I think we get lost.
Example: Someone with an addiction. They are being told they should do it for themselves and not for someone else. Why? Why, can't they be doing it for someone else? Maybe that someone else is someone who loves them and they love them back. Yes, ultimately they should do it because they want to, but, because they realized they are hurting people they love should be ok also. Those are the people they should be around. Those are they're support system. Without a strong support system who will they turn to if they slip?
I feel if a people care for others as much as they care for themselves maybe we wouldn't be in such a mad state of affairs.
There are many ways people are selfish, from addictions to the way they drive, to how they treat their friends to how they work. I think we should all try to become a little less selfish. Yes, there will be those who take advantage of it, but for the most part, I feel we'll all feel happier.
I miss my friend. He's being selfish right now. He needs to grow up and realize he can't fix the situation, just be a friend, and don't turn your back. Stop running away and face the issues head on. Good, bad or indifferent, be honest. True friends will be there.

Good Day

So, I've been working my ass off this week and even went in today, Saturday. This is not a normal thing for me to do. Usually monday-friday type of job, but OT was available, so, I took it. Anyway, I had a Good Day! I don't always have a good day. Usually it's just a day. I go to work and then go home. Once upon a time I went to work and had lots of fun. Now, however, it's more of just a job. But today was different. One of the guys was grumpy, I think because tomorrow is his birthday. But, I think he enjoyed seeing me. We had our time to chat like we used to. We vented different things to each other, and I brought him cheesecake for his birthday. Hopefully he liked that. He grumbled about it, but, I think that was just him being him. Anyway what made today good was that he made me feel wanted. We had been talking and I was telling him about a situation with another person, (whom he knows, and doesn't like). Well, anyway, he got very aggrivated about this other person, and said something to the effect 'that if (this other person), ever tried to bad mouth me around him, he would personally escort this other person out of the store himself.' That was very sweet of him to say, and he ment it. Another thing that made today a good day was with another one of 'my guys'. Earlier in the week I had played a trick on him that I had quit. Well he was very upset with that thought. In fact all of 'my guys' were pissed at that thought. Isn't that sweet of them? I think it is. To me it shows me that they really do care about me. We used to have such a wonderfull group, and it is slowly falling apart. This makes me upset, when I think about not having them in my life. I love each one of them so much, and I don't ever want to totally loose them. I hope they think the same of me, and today, I think they showed me that they do. I hope I never totally loose them. To me, they are my some of my 'bestest friends'. In fact, I've said it before and I'll say it again: if I ever get married again, I want them to be my bridesmen. How cool will that be. I had a Good Day today. They made me feel special and wanted. That's always a good thing. I want every day to be a good day. Eventhough I shed a tear or two today for one reason or another, I had a good day today. I hope you had a good day also. If not, maybe tomorrow.

Getting hurt

Getting hurt, and I don't mean when you stub your toe or brake a bone and such. I mean when you are with those you love and get emotionally hurt by them. What does it mean to get hurt by someone you love and care for? My answer, if it counts for anything, it's that we hurt ourselves. What I mean by that is, that, knowingly or not, we expect situations to go in a certain way, and when it doesn't happen to our expectations, then we feel hurt. So, how do we go threw our lives without getting hurt? I don't think that's possible, unless you have absolutely no emotions at all. And even though that may sound great at times, it really isn't. We should have expectations, hopes, dreams and such in our lives. Because if we didn't, we wouldn't ever enjoy the most wonderful things out there. The best thing I can say is, try, hope and keep your head held high. That sucks at times when you feel alone. But, then try to remember the best parts of your life. When your children where born, when you graduated, when you were promoted or won an award, when you fell in love. Even if it didn't work out, didn't you get something out of it? Maybe some self confidence, or a look at another side of yourself, or even to know that you can have such wonderful feelings for someone and that they return them, even if for only a moment. Say thank you for getting hurt/disappointed. Say thank you for showing you that you are alive. Say thank you for anything. The only reason we get hurt is because things don't hold up to our expectations. A possible 'help', not 'fix', but help for that is to communicate with those around you. They are not mind readers you know. But if they are open to listening you may not get what you want, but, on the other hand, maybe you will. But remember, everybody, everyday have their own issues they are dealing with, and you may just as well be hurting them, not intentionally, but still hurting them, because you didn't know how to read their mind, or, you didn't want to do what they asked. So, basically, we all hurt each other and ourselves at the same time. All we can do is live, learn and try to be happy and be there for ourselves and others. Nobody can have what they want all of the time, but, we sure can try. And if we remember that we could enjoy those times with the special people around us, then we can have an even happier life. And maybe people will stop getting hurt.

Love

So, I wanted to tell him I love him. I had several opportunities, but I couldn't. I chickened out. Why? Maybe I was afraid that he wouldn't say it back? But, I told myself that no matter what , I needed to let him know.
He knows. I just didn't say the words, but he knows. I couldn't say them because it's not my place to, and he knows that. But, what would he have done if I had told him? If I actually said, "I love you", if I said, "I'm in love with you". These 2 statements mean sooooo much to me. I really take them seriously. I don't just say "love". Oh, I do love him. I do, think I could fall in love with him, if I'm not already there, that is. But, that love would be so much better if he loved me back, and was 'in love' with me. And, maybe he is. But because of our situation we may never really know how each of us feels. Except, to trust that we both have the same feelings, and maybe another time and place we could explore them. One day, one night, to totally express ourselves to each other. No fantasy, but true feelings. True Love. Hart pounding, breath taking, total immersion into one being. Doesn't that sound exhilarating?
But 'love' hurts also. Sometimes, you have to let go. Hoping someday you can have it back. Not that it went away, but, it needed to spread it's wings and grow. It is selfish to keep 'love' to yourself. Everybody should experience love and enjoy all of the ups and downs of it. To share it and to grow with it. I'm not sure I ever experienced 'love' like this before, and it's hard to let go. It's scary that it may never come back, and you have to cherish those moments and to know that the other person will always cherish them also. But, to actually say and hear those words, and to know they are real, must be amazing. I hope I get that experience one day.

"PS. I LOVE YOU"

So, I just saw the movie "PS. I Love You", great movie. It is such a chick flick, but any guy who goes to see it with their significate other, will probably have one of the best nights of their life.
I have my secret lover of sorts. We, don't do anything but flirt with each other, but it's absolutely magnificate. We have fantasies with each other, about each other. Well, where this is going , is, that if things were different, we would have tried it out. I think it would have worked. I believe that it would have. I know we can love many different things at many different times of our lives. But, sometimes it's just not the right time except for that moment. That moment that can last forever. That moment can be 5 minutes, to 5 days, to 50 years.
Well, this movie basically says that. Things happen, and we continue on. We have our time of morning, we have our time of healing, we have our time to move on, we have our time to remember. It doesn't mean that what we had was nothing, it just means that it ran it's course. We have to take all the best parts and remember them and honor them. We even have to remember the not so bad parts so as to not to repeat these things. But, remember that true love will be with you forever.
I cried my eyes out the entire movie, most of the audience did. But, for me, it's just that the relationship that they had was the kind of relationship that most people, (men and women alike), want and even crave for. I believe that that's what my relationship was, of sorts. What it could have been at another time. I'm not doing a shoulda, woulda, coulda thing. It just is/was.
In the movie, they say in 1 part that 'Jerry, wakes up and can't wait to see Holly.' Isn't that what we all want?
I can't wait to see my secret lover. It's not that I can't survive with out him, but I feel that he helps to complete me, and me him. I feel that just being around him helps fill any voids I may have. I know that I should fill those voids without him, but, it's very nice to share with him. To share my space, to share everything and anything.
The movie explains it much better than I do. I'm sure that everybody who sees this movie will have their own story or thoughts for them, but for me, I just saw what I want, what I have/had. I do love him, but I will and need to move on with some of the most wonderful memories.
PS. I LOVE YOU

The Bucket List

So, 'The Bucket List', is a movie coming out about making your kick the bucket list. A list you want to accomplish before you die. I personally don't like thinking or even talking about dieing, but, guess what, it will eventually happen, to all of us. I just hope that I have made a difference in this world and that people will want to remember me. I want to know this before I go, so I can go in peace, and not go wondering. I guess that would be the first thing on my list, but now for a real list:
1. go to Australia
2. go to Germany
3. ok, go lots of places
4. make real love with someone who truly loves me and I him
5. have 1 day/night with a certain special someone
6. enter some baking /cooking competitions
7. open my own business
8. own my own house
9. bye something very extravagant up front and with cash
10. meet Steven Spielberg and George Lucas
11. be hot and sexxy until the day I die
12. marry the perfect man for me
13. have the wedding that I want
14. be recognized
15. help those that I can
16. have a great family and friends relationship
17. have a song written for me about what things mean to me
18. get this 1, I want to model, even if it's 1 time, pin-up would be cool, I could rock that
19. I want to know a certain persons thoughts and feelings
20. live by the water
There's probably more, but this is enough for now. My goal, to get all of these and as many more as I can.
What is your 'Bucket List'?

LOVE

What do you 'LOVE'?
That's today's question. I don't know what i love, yet I'm asking you. What do I love? My children. They drive me crazy, but I do love them. I can't wait to see how they grow up, yet, I don't not want them around.
I'm not sure I ever 'loved' my x husband. I guess in 1 way I did, but not in the way I should have. I think I loved him because I grew up with low self esteem, like so many girls do. And he showed me interest. I had been engaged a yr or so before him, but called it off because I know it was not for the right reasons. Why didn't I call it off with my x? I don't know. I remember when we were getting married and the justice of the peace said 'does anybody have any reason for these 2 ...blah blah blah? Well, I wanted to turn and run out of the room. I saw my 3 month old and stopped and went ahead with it. If I hadn't I wouldn't have my other 2 children, and I wouldn't not want to have them in my life. But back to the question, what do you love? Did I love him? What is love?
What is 'love'?
I guess in 1 way I loved my x. We did have some enjoyable times, I guess. Not many, but some. I wouldn't have my kids if it wasn't for him. But, now I've met somebody, who at 1st, I just thought of as fun. I didn't realize that I loved him. But, when he wasn't around anymore that's when I realized. It's not that he's not around because he wanted more and not I. In fact I see him almost every week, but he's married. There are times he pays sooooo much attention to me that I can't help but think that he loves me in 1 way or another also. Does he love me for the fact that I'm there when he wants me? Or does he really care?
There are soooo many types of love, it gets confusing I think. You can love from afar. You can love the moment. You can love for all eternity. And you can probably love for lots of other reasons also.
I guess the catch is to find out what love you are looking for and to find someone who wants the same type of love at the same time and wants to share that love with you. I guess then you could say you had love in your life.
I don't know, it's just what I'm thinking at this moment. If you have another thought, please share it with me.
Find out what you love and want to love and enjoy it, cherish it and keep it for as long as you can. But, don't cheat love, don't give up on love, don't forget love even if it was for just a moment, and don't not love even if it's hard to.
Remember 'love', hold it, keep it with you at all times even when it's hard to. You can't hold onto the past, but I believe you should remember it, even if it hurts.
What do you "LOVE"?