Holiday Blue's

It's a common thing this time of year. "The Holiday Blue's". For me it's probably no different than most people, but, it's me. Just like with any situation, when it affects you it means more than if it's just a friend and they're crying on your shoulder.
OK, let's get some background on me:
-I don't have a shoulder to cry on- (it seems when I think I have someone to help me, it just doesn't work out- usually I'm there for them, but they are not for me)
-My sign is cancer- (if you know anything about cancers they are very moody, very emotional. very sexy, very loving, very caring, very cautious, just plain "very" everything. They cherish "family and friends" more than anything. Keep this in mind). **I am so much a cancer**
-I love the holidays- (but it seems that I'm not allowed to love them the way I want. I'm surrounded by bah-hum-bugs)
-I had to tell my kids on Christmas Day 1 year that their father and I were getting a divorce and they were going with him right then and there for a few days- (the kids were youngish, I don't think they looked at Christmas the same way after that)
-I've been through a lot of crap in my life- (yes it could have been worse, but it was still a lot for me at those times in my life)
-I'm lonely- (I've been divorced for 8 years now, I haven't really had any relationships since then. A few playful moments here and there, but nothing truly intense or worth while, except 1)
-I hear a lot from my "friends", 'oh I was going to call you, but I forgot', 'you would have had fun, but I didn't think about calling you', things like that- (NICE! Some friends)
-I've never had a friend even try to set me up with someone
- I find I have to get through it all, all by myself- (where some people have family and friends to get help and support from, it doesn't seem like I do. I get to cry by myself, try to work it out by myself, pick up my chin and move on, by myself. While at the same time taking care of my 3 children.)
OK, that's some of my sob story background. (Like I said before, some people have it worse. I don't forget that, but it's not always enough for me to keep a smile on.)
Now, remember how I said cancer people are "very" everything, and 'family and friends' mean a lot to them. Well that's were my story today is going.
I don't make 'friends' easily, acquaintances, yes, but 'friends' no. People even have said to me that they are honored to have me as a friend. Yet, when I need a hand, they don't seem to be there. Too many times doing that to me and I don't tend to keep them as true 'friends' any more. It seems that when I find people that I want to keep as 'friends' something happens and they leave me. (example: I moved, my friend for 10 yrs. turned her back on me. there is no reason that our friendship had to end, yes, it's harder but it doesn't have to end, but it can't be up to 1 party to do all the work, both parties have to realize that it's something they want to keep and do what it takes. Just like in a marriage, or any relationship). It seems like I have a lot of this happening in my life. People come and people go. I except that, but I do believe that some people could stay, if they chose to.
So, my job allowed me to make some really good friends, (in my mind). I do not want to loose them. My job has changed to where I don't see them nearly as much as I used to. I truly miss them. (catch here, they are guys. guys don't think the way women do). I think I mean a lot to them also, but because they are who they are they don;t show me. I know they won't just call me up and say hi, or let's get a drink. I have to do all that stuff. See 1 sided. Should I let go of them, and just cherish what we had? That's what's hitting me the hardest this holiday season. I do not want to loose them. I know they would say, 'you know where to find us'. true, but why can't they find me too. I want them to miss me, to show me.
This is how important they are in my life: if I were to ever get married again I want them to be my brides men and I want 1 of them to give me away. When I die, I want them to carry my casket. These are important positions to be in, and they mean that much to me. One of these guys I 'LOVE'. I would probably do anything for, but he's married. I think he cares for me the same way, but probably not quite as much as I do. I would miss him the much, but, I consider him a good friend also. He's actually the 1 who the catalyst for my mood this weekend. He was in a little bit of a grumpy mood the other day and kind of took it out on me. It broke the Camel's back, to say. I broke down, he made me cry, he listened, he gave me a hug. I wish I could have stayed there forever. I put him in a spot I know he doesn't like to be in, but he didn't run like in the past. I know he cares, even if it's just as deep friends. I don't always have his shoulder to cry on. This was an exception, especially lately, but he did it and he didn't get mad.These guys are my 'friends', my brothers I never had. My almost lover. Everything I want, but, I have to except that they don't see things the same way that I do. And that is 1 of the things that I love about them, they except me for who I am, moody, crazy, funny, serious, knowledgeable, strong and even weak, (they don't like seeing that side). I understand people come and people go, but I don't want them to go. I want to be able to be in their lives somehow forever, not just a memory.
So, all of this at this time of year makes for a nice case of "The Holiday Blue's". I don't have anybody to talk to, I have found that this helps, it might be random, it might not make sense, but it helps me to except the way things are, and too process where I am and where I might want or need to go.